Avaragado’s 2015 predictions

And here they are: a list of things almost certainly not going to happen in 2015. Feel free to pop down the betting shop as soon as it opens to chuck your savings at the opposite of everything below. Don’t forget to return this time next year to gloat with your millions.

News

1. There is more than one UK general election.
2. After one of the general elections, speaker John Bercow is deposed.
3. The royal child-beast is of the girl persuasion, and called Elizabeth.
4. Hillary Clinton confirms she will run for US President.
5. Kim Jong Un is deposed as leader of North Korea.
6. The record for the highest temperature in the UK is broken.

Sport

1. Sepp Blatter is not re-elected as president of FIFA.
2. Chelsea win the English Premier League.
3. Australia retain the Ashes.
4. Germany win the women’s football World Cup in Canada.
5. Oxford wins the University Boat Race, again.
6. Cyprus comes top of the medal table in the keenly anticipated Games of the Small States of Europe in Reykjavik.

Science and technology

1. Apple releases a MacBook Air with a retina display.
2. The Dawn spacecraft discovers ice volcanoes on the surface of the dwarf planet Ceres.
3. The probe Philae on the surface of comet 67P emerges from hibernation sufficiently to send useful scientific data.
4. Microsoft buys Fitbit.
5. Dick Costolo leaves his position as CEO of Twitter.
6. YouTube users upload over 500 hours of video per minute on average.

Entertainment

1. Best Actor Oscar: Michael Keaton, Birdman.
2. Best Actress Oscar: Julianne Moore, Still Alice.
3. Best Picture Oscar: Birdman.
4. Best Director Oscar: Richard Linklater, Boyhood.
5. Best Visual Effects Oscar: Interstellar.
6. The BBC says BBC 4 will follow BBC 3 and move online.

Celebrity deathwatch

1. Dodgy FIFA boss before the other dodgy FIFA boss, João Havelange (98)
2. Avenger before the other Avengers, actor Patrick Macnee (92)
3. Dracula, Scaramanga, Saruman, Dooku, actor Christopher Lee (92)
4. I’ve met him you know, comics elder Stan Lee (92)
5. President Bush before the other President Bush, George HW Bush (90)
6. Spock before the other Spock, actor Leonard Nimoy (82)
7. Run out, umpire Dickie Bird (81)
8. War criminal, ex-veep Dick Cheney (73)
9. Floating like an ex-butterfly, stinging like an ex-bee, boxer Muhammad Ali (72)

Happy New Year!